What is Selfless Love? 13 Key Traits

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Discover the beauty and power of selfless love
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When you love someone, you might find yourself willing to put them above yourself to make sure that they’re always happy and well taken care of. This is a sign of selfless love, which happens when your desire to care for someone trumps your own wants and needs. Read on to learn more about what selfless love is and its common characteristics. If you’re a practicing Christian or interested in the Christian faith, we’ll also dive into what kind of role selfless love plays in the Bible.

Things You Should Know

  • Selfless love is your ability to show respect, kindness, and compassion toward everyone and not expect anything in return.
  • Someone who loves selflessly is willing to make sacrifices for others and helps even the people they may not necessarily like.
  • Practicing Christians consider selfless love to be an important trait, and it’s mentioned in various passages throughout the Bible.
Section 1 of 4:

What is selfless love?

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  1. Selfless love is giving to others and not expecting anything in return.
    When you love selflessly, you don’t expect to be praised or even really acknowledged for your actions. Instead, you often feel satisfied just knowing that the other person is happy and well taken care of. Even if they don’t reciprocate your actions, you’re still willing to give them all of your love, support, and care.
    • The term “altruism” is often closely linked to the idea of selfless love. Altruism is best defined as the selfless concern for the well-being and happiness of others.
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Section 2 of 4:

Signs of Selfless Love

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  1. Step 1 You love others unconditionally.
    Unconditional love and selfless love are very similar concepts. When you love someone unconditionally, it means that you accept them as they are—you accept their strengths and flaws equally. They don’t have to satisfy any specific conditions to receive your love, and you’re happy to shower them with affection at all times.[1]
    • For example, even when you argue or don’t see eye to eye, you still probably love your parents and family deeply.
    • If you’re in a romantic relationship, accepting your partner’s flaws and embracing them just the way they are is a sign of unconditional love.
    • Selfless and unconditional love don’t have expiration dates. You love people at all times, not just when it’s convenient.
  2. Step 2 You help others without expecting a reward.
    Selfless love means you give your love, care, and support all without expecting any sort of compensation or praise from others. You love someone simply because it makes them feel good. Of course, recognition and praise may come your way, but receiving these kinds of things isn’t what motivates you to be so kind and loving.
    • For example, volunteering with the sole intention of helping others is an act of selfless love. You aren’t in it for recognition and simply want to make a difference in your community.
    • Making an anonymous donation to a charity or other organization is another example of selfless love.
  3. Step 3 You’re willing to make sacrifices for someone else.
    Loving selflessly means you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone for the sake of someone else. You’re willing to put yourself in a difficult situation sometimes if it means that the other person gets what they need and feels taken care of. While you may be inconvenienced at times, it likely doesn’t affect you too much because you’re satisfied just knowing that the other person is happy.[2]
    • For a friend, putting your own problems aside to help them through a difficult time is a very selfless action.
    • Standing up for someone and speaking out about an issue even if you receive some criticism is also selfless love.
    • If you’re in a relationship, you might be willing to move to a completely new city for the sake of your partner’s career.
  4. Step 4 You empathize with others and consider their feelings.
    Someone who loves selflessly is able to easily empathize with others and put themselves in another person’s shoes. Being willing to listen to someone and seriously consider their perspective is a key component of loving selflessly. To show such love, it’s important to prioritize the other person’s feelings and avoid judging them or making any assumptions until they’ve told you their full story.[3]
    • Simply being there to listen to your friend, family member, or partner when they have a problem and not interjecting with your own opinion or advice is a very selfless act.
    • It shows that you’re not trying to make the situation about yourself and are solely focused on helping them.
  5. Step 5 You don’t take things personally.
    When you love selflessly, you don’t let others’ negative words or actions bring you down. Rather than easily getting offended and going on to hold a grudge, you let things roll off your back and don’t let them affect how you treat the other person. After all, selfless love is all about giving love even to the people that may hurt you.
    • One tip for learning to not take things personally is to consider what the other person is going through. For example, a person might say something hurtful because they’re going through a difficult time.[4]
    • Even if someone does hurt you, treat them with compassion since you might not know everything about their situation.
  6. Step 6 You openly express your gratitude toward others.
    Someone who loves others selflessly isn’t afraid to say thank you and show their appreciation often. Selfless love makes you want to let others know just how much they mean to you simply because you know such words will make them feel so loved and cared for. You also don’t expect them to say such things back but are satisfied just telling them how worthy they are in your eyes.[5]
    • For example, even if they don’t say it every day, telling your partner “I love you” and making sure to compliment them each day is an act of selfless love.
    • Another example would be telling your coworkers how much you appreciate their hard work and effort so that they realize how much they’re valued.
    • This also means that you’re more than happy to share your success and achievements with others. Instead of taking all the praise for yourself, you’re always ready to give credit where it’s due.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 406 wikiHow readers what makes them feel like love is conditional, and 53% of them agreed that the most common sign is feeling like they’re never good enough for their partner. [Take Poll] Make sure to tell your loved ones how much you appreciate them so they don’t feel this way!
  7. Step 7 You show love and respect to yourself.
    In order to give selfless love to others, it’s extremely important to also show yourself such unconditional and kind love. Loving yourself and treating yourself with respect allows you to fully understand what it feels like to receive such unconditional and free-flowing love, and you’ll be more motivated and energized to give that love to people around you.[6]
    • An important component of self-love is using positive language to talk to yourself. Change your negative thoughts into positive ones and use positive affirmations to build up your confidence and self-worth.
    • For example, tell yourself things like, “I am strong,” “I am kind,” and “I am deserving of love” throughout the day.
  8. Step 8 You help people even if you’re not their biggest fan.
    Loving someone selflessly means that you’re not picky when it comes to who you share your love with. Even if a person isn’t necessarily your favorite individual, you don’t hold grudges against them or slight them in any way. Instead, you show them the same love and care you would give anyone else, even if you know that they might not do the same for you.[7]
    • For example, you might still offer to help a coworker with a project even if they’ve said some mean things about you in the past.
    • Or, you might go out of your way to help a friend of a friend despite not knowing them all that well.
  9. Step 9 You put your team before yourself.
    People who love selflessly tend to speak in terms of “we” rather than “I,” meaning that they prioritize the needs of the group before their personal wants and needs. This might mean putting your family’s needs before your own, prioritizing things that will make work easier for your coworkers, or taking the time to make sure your sports team members are happy.[8]
    • For example, you might take time off of work to spend time with your family when they’re going through a difficult time.
    • Or, if you’re in a relationship, you might make decisions based on what’s best for you and your partner instead of solely focusing on your own needs.
  10. Step 10 You’re willing to be vulnerable for the sake of helping others.
    Opening up and being willing to embrace your vulnerabilities takes a lot of courage and strength. However, being willing to do whatever’s needed to help someone, even if that means putting yourself in a vulnerable position, is a mark of a truly selfless individual.[9]
    • For example, if your friend is going through a hard time, being open to sharing your own past issues and how you worked through them can be a great comfort to them.
    • Or, finding the courage to open up about any concerns you’re having about your relationship with your partner for the sake of strengthening your bond can be seen as selfless.
  11. Step 11 You have no problem with sharing everything.
    When you love others selflessly, you’re willing to share your things in order to make sure the other person has everything they need and is taken care of. Selfless love means that everything is “ours’ rather than just “mine.”[10]
    • For example, you might have no problem sharing your notes with a classmate.
    • Or, you might be happy to lend your friend your car for the weekend so that they can go visit their family.
  12. Step 12 You compromise with others easily.
    Rather than pushing to have things done your way, you’re more than willing to sit down with someone and come up with a solution to some problem that’ll satisfy both of you. Loving selflessly means being willing to listen to another person’s concerns, wants, and needs, and adjusting your own priorities for the sake of making sure everyone is happy.[11]
    • For example, in a romantic relationship, you’re not afraid to compromise with your partner when you get into an argument rather than just insisting that you’re right and they’re wrong.
    • You might also make an effort to compromise over smaller matters, such as what to have for dinner, what movie to watch, or where to go on vacation.
  13. Step 13 You set boundaries for the sake of another person’s happiness.
    Selfless love is also marked by your ability to say no for the sake of keeping another person happy, healthy, and safe. Even if they don’t realize right away why such boundaries are necessary, you’re willing to be the bigger person and set boundaries to keep them safe. Sometimes, this might even mean walking away from a relationship if you think it will benefit the other person.[12]
    • For example, even if you still have feelings for a romantic partner but can sense that they are falling out of love, letting them go is the ultimate act of selfless love.
    • In terms of boundaries, an example might be something like, “I love you, but I can’t continue to support you until you get help for your addiction” and putting some distance between you and the other person.
    • While setting boundaries and saying no at the moment may hurt, someone who loves selflessly endures because they know it’s necessary to help the other person become their best self.
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Section 3 of 4:

Selfless Love in the Bible

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  1. Selflessness is one of the most important traits in Christianity.
    In fact, it’s such an important characteristic that it came as a direct command from God as He explained what it meant to be holy—“You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18, English Standard Version). On top of that, Jesus’ sacrifice to give his life for the sake of mankind and their sins can be considered the ultimate act of selfless love in the Bible. Some verses in the Bible that mention selflessness include:[13]
    • “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.”—1 Corinthians 10:24 (ESV)
    • “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”—1 Peter 3:8 (ESV)
    • “See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.”—1 Thessalonians 5:15 (ESV)
    • “For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”—Galatians 5:14 (ESV)
    • “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”—James 3:16 (ESV)
Section 4 of 4:

Is selfless love healthy?

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  1. Selfless love is healthy unless it compromises your own happiness.
    Giving selfless and unconditional love is great for strengthening relationships, and it can even improve your overall health and happiness. However, people who over-prioritize other people’s needs and neglect their own wants can end up feeling exploited in their relationships or burned out. That’s why it’s important to be kind to yourself and put yourself first from time to time.[14]
    • Loving others selflessly doesn’t mean you have to completely neglect your own needs. Instead, it’s important to find a balance and make sure to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.
    • For example, be sure to always get enough sleep, eat healthy, and make time for your own interests to keep your physical and mental health in check.
    • If you’re looking for a relationship, find someone who shares your selfless tendencies so that you can avoid feeling exploited in the future.
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References

  1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/soulmates-and-unconditional-love
  2. ↑ https://www8.gsb.columbia.edu/cbs-directory/sites/cbs-directory/files/publications/Lu%20et%20al.%20%282018%29.%20On%20the%20Distinction%20Between%20Unethical%20and%20Selfish%20Behavior.pdf
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-the-couch/202011/selfishness-and-selflessness-and-intimacy
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/worry-wise/202208/how-not-take-things-so-personally
  5. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide
  6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/the-art-of-kindness
  7. ↑ https://site.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness
  8. ↑ https://site.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-the-couch/202011/selfishness-and-selflessness-and-intimacy
  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-the-couch/202011/selfishness-and-selflessness-and-intimacy
  2. ↑ https://site.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/selflessness-a-pattern-for-happiness
  3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/soulmates-and-unconditional-love
  4. ↑ https://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-selflessness.html
  5. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_be_too_selfless_in_your_relationships

About This Article

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Co-authored by:
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by wikiHow staff writer, Ali Garbacz, B.A.. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 20,099 times.
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Updated: June 14, 2024
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Categories: Love
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