Come again...?
"...a delightful family pub."
- estate agent ad for, um, The Queen Vic (EastEnders)

Deduction of the week
DC Dasari: "Rory Walsh did an 18-month stretch for possession and supply of Class As. His father shopped him. He also acted as witness for
the prosecution."
DC Terry Perkins: "There's no love lost between father and son then."
- (The Bill)

Insult of the week
"Jack! With your face like an abandoned greenhouse. With your face like a miser's hump. Like a bankrupt pug."
- Vic Reeves to Jack Dee (Shooting Stars)

Break it to us gently
"We're expecting a 35-year-old stab victim. His heart has stopped and they're going to take 15 minutes to get here. Chances are he'll be well dead before we see him."
- doctor at the Royal London (The Hospital)

Gag of the week
"Are you there, God? Why are there no more bumble bees? And why do Nazis always live until they're 96?"
- the Rev Adam Smallbone (Rev)

D'OH
"Oh I didn't know that"
- Coran learns that charity shops are called charity shops because the money goes to charity (Young, Dumb And Living Off Mum)

Gag of the week 2
"True or false? At the latest Badminton horse trials, all the horses were found guilty."
- Vic Reeves (Shooting Stars)

Philosopher of the week
"Your first loss in business is sometimes your best loss."
- Theo Paphitis (Dragons' Den)

State of the nation pt 463
"One weekend over the Friday - Saturday-Sunday, I think I saw 14."
- doctor at the Royal London on the number of stabbing victims (The Hospital)

Entrance of the week
"Well I'm glad you didn't let that man fondle you all night."
- Joanna Lumley arrives in Mistresses

Smooth-talking devil of the week
"He's wearing a lot of unusual aftershave and he's invited me to Nando's."
- the gorgeous headmistress informs the Rev Adam Smallbone's wife that he has been flirting with her
(Rev)

Philosopher of the week 2
"I've heard it said that satisfaction is the death of desire."
- Hank Duchovny (Californication)

Smooth-talking devil of the week 2
"I'm going to have to go. I promised I'd give Norris a scalp massage."
- Mary (Coronation Street)

You don't say
"Although everyone thinks it's just a special day and nothing changes, a lot does change."
- Carol on getting married after 10 months (Newlyweds: The One-Year Itch). To be fair to her, no one actually does think that.

...and on that bombshell
"She looks like the type who would want a big one"
Frieda about nurse Patsy Kensit - talking about her engagement ring, that is (Planet Holby)