Surgeon General hates fun, children.

Now that the holidays are over and the presents already have been delivered, we think it's safe to say--Santa could stand to lose a few pounds. Or anyway, that's what U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Steven K. Galson told the Boston Herald. "It is really important that the people whom kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well, and getting exercise," he said. Indeed, the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (yes, Virginia, it exists!) has issued a call to its 800 members to lose weight. And in a survey of more than 300 Santas, Tim Connaghan, founder of the International University of Santa Claus, found the average weight was 256 pounds. At least one "Santa on the street" told the Herald that he mostly fears for the health of his jolly brethren--imagine having a ho-ho-heart attack while tucked snugly inside a chimney. A spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Health suggested leaving "a nice apple or carrot and celery sticks" for Santa instead of the usual cookies and milk. "He shouldn't be eating cookies at all--he's gluten intolerant," said one elf who asked to remain anonymous for fear of banishment from the Pole. Welcome to 2008.