fortunes.txt

San Francisco, n.:
	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!

Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.

Hacker's Law:
	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"
		-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.

According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
once a year.

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
		-- English Professor, Ohio University

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"

All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon

You are here:   
		***
		***
	     *********
	      *******
	       *****
		***
		 *

		 But you're not all there.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!

Pascal, n.:
	A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.

"People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense."
		-- Ken Kesey

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"

Everything you know is wrong!

... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man
		-- A. E. Housman

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
		-- Richard Nixon

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
		-- A. Lincoln

I'm rated PG-34!!

This fortune is false.

"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree

... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
		-- Virginia Masters

All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
		-- Francois Fenelon

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
		-- Matthew 5:37

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up
like crabgrass all over the United States.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.

We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!

In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
		-- Frank Mankiewicz

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
		-- Governor Jerry Brown

Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
store.  Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all
the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are
they taking no-fault insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current
rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be
impressed with us electrical engineers then?  Are we, as the saying
goes, giving away the store?
		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!"
		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn

"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no
restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
nerve disease."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"

The First Commandment for Technicians:
	Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
untechnician-like manner.

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
		-- Steven Wright

A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
exceptional ability in that particular field."

Fourth Law of Revision:
	It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.

A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.

You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

Malek's Law:
	Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
underwear."

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
the more certain."
		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800

43rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

F:	When into a room I plunge, I
	Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
	Then I linger, darkly brooding
	On the poison they're exuding.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.
		-- E. W. Dijkstra

Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.

Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
hammmer or get a splinter in it.

Whatever became of eternal truth?

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
municipality.
		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio

Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
world put together.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar

Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
belief in the tooth fairy.

People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.

The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones
from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
milestones are lifted.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
		-- Mark Twain

"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.

Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
		-- Henry N. Camp

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.

Finagle's fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.

An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!"  Sir Geoffrey
responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
table.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"

Down with categorical imperative!

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

		Double Bucky
	(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")	

Double bucky, you're the one!
You make my keyboard lots of fun
	Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
(Vo-vo-de-o!)
Control and Meta side by side,
Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
	Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Double bucky, left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
	Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
	Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

		-- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.

"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.


	*** System shutdown message from root ***

System going down in 60 seconds



In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

	With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
	He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
	And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
	As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
	Helpless users with projects due
	Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

	Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
	Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"

* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
		-- Curtis Jackson

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling

	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
		-- Fletcher Knebel

Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Lehrer

Ozman's Laws:
	(1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
	    won't.
	(2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
	    make.
	(3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
	(4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
		-- Edgar Allan Poe

Coincidence, n.: 
	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.

Accident, n.:
	A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.

"If you have to hate, hate gently"

A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
by being declared to work.
		-- Anatol Holt

Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.
		-- Aldous Huxley

Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Character Density, n.:
	The number of very weird people in the office.

Q:  How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ?
A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
		-- Steven Wright

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
damned things is ample.
		-- Rebecca West

"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"

Adult, n.:
	One old enough to know better.

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
		-- Aelius Donatus

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

November, n.:
	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.

"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward.  That's the trouble with time
travel, you never can tell."
		-- Dr. Who

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration.
		-- Dijkstra

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
		-- Redd Foxx

"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
		-- Lew Col

"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
		-- Macy's

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
		-- Candice Bergen

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
		-- Ralph Emerson

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
		-- E. Rutherford

Please take note:

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
		-- Ogden Nash

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
cities.  Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you
want in any direction you want.  I was once driving in a mall parking
lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
lots.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling

I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

Molecule, n.:
	The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
atom in that it is an ion ...
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?

Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
		-- S. C. Johnson

Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.
		-- Amrom Katz

Silverman's Law:
	If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell
quiche.

"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montagu

Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
		-- Candice Bergen

Boy, n.:
	A noise with dirt on it.

Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
different lies.

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
realize it.

Pick another fortune cookie.

Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
		-- Bullwinkle Moose

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
	(1) Houses are for people to live in.
	(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
	(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
around a deal faster.
		-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

The First Law:	You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:	The most you can accomplish by working is to break
		even.
The Third Law:	You can only break even at absolute zero.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Idiot Box, n.:
	The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
		-- Reverend Chichester

Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri.  Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
had split before.  Thus was the Empire forged.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams

"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
		-- James Gordon Bennett

"I hate quotations."
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Disc space -- the final frontier!

While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.

If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.
		-- Ernest Rutherford

... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!

Gyroscope, n.:
	A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
		-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.

If you want divine justice, die.
		-- Nick Seldon

Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.

Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
	next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
	at all.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.

		The STAR WARS Song
	Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
	Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
you have and what rights you have not got."
		-- J. Parnell Thomas

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
		-- Anatole France

Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".

	Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
	"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
	Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow ...
	Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.

Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.

One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)

Idiot, n.:
	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
		-- Henry Kissinger

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
		-- Victor Borge

H:	If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
	Slice him up before he slays you.
	Nothing makes you look a slob
	Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
		-- The Roguelet's ABC

			Get GUMMed
			--- ------
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84

Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
		-- Bill Vaughan

The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind."  All patties would
be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
immediately before serving.  The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12".  The Lunch or Dinner Patty
would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"

			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
		-- Ingmar Bergman

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
specific."
		-- Jane Wagner

Disc space -- the final frontier!

"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature".  Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.

A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is
it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
industrial waste?
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
obviously impossible.
				-- Richard Davisson

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
like.
		-- Abraham Lincoln

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
too, provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper?  Outside?  What
if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

USER, n.:
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a
horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
columnar supports, which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory,
ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"

The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."

	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
followers.
	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
out of MEGATON MAN!"

The Killer Ducks are coming!!!

43rd Law of Computing:
	Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
		-- Anatole France

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you can read this, you're too close.

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
sledgehammers.  With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"

This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see

You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he

The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill

And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
		-- G. B. Shaw

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"

Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off

The rain it raineth on the just
	And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
	The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
	Support your right to bare arms!

If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.

Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
		-- Ingmar Bergman

San Francisco, n.:
	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]

I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The
curtain was up.

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
	For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
	And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
	Has lasted the rest of my life."
		-- Lewis Carrol

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
		-- Bellamy Brooks

If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
		   Post

"What are you doing?"

"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
initiation period."

%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears

There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.

Christ:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
		-- Reuben Flagg

The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
	Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
other ways.

Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun

The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
		-- David Lardner

However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan

The revolution will not be televised.

"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It
is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these
matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII

"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless."
		-- Flaubert

"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.

Hatred, n.:
	A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs

Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.

"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
		-- Johnny Hart

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
plantation and go home.
		-- Eugene P. Gallagher

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.

"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
		-- Gotama Buddha

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
	not very nice.

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
	whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
		-- Matthew 5:37

Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.

Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?

What is mind?  No matter.
What is matter?  Never mind.
		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875

You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
		-- S. Rickly Christian

A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.

"Have you lived here all your life?"
"Oh, twice that long."

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
		-- Walt Kelly

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.

	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
into a clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
radio.  But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
and toilets.  So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
kill you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
back to normal, and that they already have.

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
		-- Dorothy Parker

"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
like you ..."
		-- Gilda Radner

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
		-- Phil White

Barach's Rule:
	An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
physician.

Equal bytes for women.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
	Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person
shall be deemed to be a cat.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
		-- Dave Barry

"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
		-- Art Leo

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
		-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.

"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward.  That's the trouble with time
travel, you never can tell."
		-- Dr. Who

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.

I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
relentless day.
		-- Betty MacDonald

Flying saucers on occasion
	Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
	While they brand these tales as lies.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
		-- Robert Benchly

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."

"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
hands."
		-- Saint Patrick

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
		-- A. Lincoln

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
	An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a
belief in the tooth fairy.

Larkinson's Law:
	All laws are basically false.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.

Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.

Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
	Superiority is recessive.

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer.
		-- Robert Frost

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller

This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!

Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

T:	One big monster, he called TROLL.
	He don't rock, and he don't roll;
	Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
	He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
		-- The Roguelet's ABC

He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
apparently incoherent songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I
neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear.  They told a
tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension:  they
were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish.  Every tone was a
testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
chains.
		-- Frederick Douglass

You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

Gray's Law of Programming:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as `_n' tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
	`_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.

"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
		-- Yiddish saying

"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."

"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.
		-- J. P. McEvoy

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
table.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"

"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
		-- Donald Knuth

If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
reasonable prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
build a home center.  And before long home centers were springing up
like crabgrass all over the United States.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
		-- Spider Robinson

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe

Automobile, n.:
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
		-- Sydney J. Harris

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."

"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"

She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
were bad.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as
nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will
probably get run over by a bus.

Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
sister."

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
		   Post

"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
		-- Don Marquis

Hlade's Law:
	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.

The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
Rock.

Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.
		-- Samuel Butler

Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%

"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)

This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see

You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he

The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill

And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.

Parsley
	 is gharsley.
		-- Ogden Nash

Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be asceptic.

        THE LAST BUG

"But you're out of your mind,"		    It still wasn't perfect,
They said with a shrug.			    As year followed year,
"The customer's happy;			    And strangers would comment,
What's one little bug?"			    "Is that guy still here?"

But he was determined.			    He died at the console,
The others went home.			    Of hunger and thirst.
He spread out the program,		    Next day he was buried,
Deserted, alone.			    Face down, nine-edge first.

The cleaning men came,			    And the last bug in sight,
The whole room was cluttered		    An ant passing by,
With memory-dumps, punch cards.		    Saluted his tombstone,
"I'm close," he muttered.		    And whispered, "Nice try."

The mumbling got louder,				
Simple deduction,				
"I've got it, it's right,				
Just change one instruction."				

My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
	And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
	And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
	As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
	And I wish he were in Asia.
		-- Dorothy Parker

Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.

Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
	Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
	Et le m^omerade horgrave.
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"

Oh, when I was in love with you,
	Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
	How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
	And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
	Am quite myself again.
		-- A. E. Housman

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.

"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
sheer terror."
		-- W. K. Hartmann

Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!

The Abrams' Principle:
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.

"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
		-- Bob & Ray

"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."

"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys ..."

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein

"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
		-- Yiddish saying

It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...

Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker
with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
applications.)

Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James

"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
underwear."

Cold, adj.:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath ...

Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic

"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
paws."

Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

MAFIA, n:
	[Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS.  MAFIA documentation is
rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
operations.  From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
security functions.  The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
more than usually autocratic operating system.  Screen prompts carry an
imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
entire nodal aggravations.
		-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.

Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
		-- Tom Lehrer

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.

Q:  What's a light-year?
A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.

"I drink to make other people interesting."
		-- George Jean Nathan

One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
		-- Jerome Lettvin

It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman

The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.

New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.

186,282 miles per second:

It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn

"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston

"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore."

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
		-- Woody Allen

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
	Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
the plastic underneath -- black.  According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.
		-- Steve Rubenstein

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
		-- Arthur Godfrey

"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money."
		-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"

Rule of Creative Research:
	(1) Never draw what you can copy.
	(2) Never copy what you can trace.
	(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
them parched for wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you
stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
intelligence."
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII

There are no games on this system.

Vanilla, adj.:
	Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food,
very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
and sour won ton soup.

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
	A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Take it easy, we're in a hurry.

The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
time.
		-- Merrick Furst

From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

	5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
	    sound is normal for this type of connector.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
		-- Franco Spisani

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
therefore be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
hardly be propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ...  In war,
then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
		-- William Ellery Channing

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
		-- Avery

"You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?"
		-- Steven Wright

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
dollars:  For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
tax return around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to
spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe
money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit.  What does he care?
It's not his money.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
		-- Lauren Bacall

By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
mean.
		-- Mark Twain

"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
		-- Foghorn Leghorn

Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
		-- Dave Butler

"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."

A CONS is an object which cares.
		-- Bernie Greenberg.

I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary.  (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.

Real Users never use the Help key.

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
remains 7 a.m.  This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"

"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
		-- Alexander Haig

Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.

	Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
have been drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
most American homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the
time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
although God alone knows why it would want to.
	The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
direct current, lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes
have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
direction for a while, then goes in the other direction.  This prevents
harmful electron buildup in the wires.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
____BODY!
		-- from "Cerebus" #82

Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
Gamekeeping."
		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)

"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."

fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
	"Hey you, get off my plate"
		-- Roger Midnight

"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"

Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
Spock:	Affirmative.
Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.

Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
hammmer or get a splinter in it.

Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.

"APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I
can't read any of them."
		-- Roy Keir

Serenity through viciousness.

Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry
that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
straightened out for a crowbar.
		-- O. W. Holmes

Economics, n.:
	Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
Galbraith ...
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Fuch's Warning:
	If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.

He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
		-- Jonathon Swift

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
scholarship.
		-- Robert Heinlein

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"

"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"

Are you a turtle?

"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."

There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.

	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
	"Only to ten, Mudhead."

			-- Firesign Theater

"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
		-- Gloria Steinem

Ray's Rule of Precision:
	Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
		-- Macy's

"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."

Finagle's Second Law:
	No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
happened according to his own pet theory.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.

`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
	As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
	By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
	That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
	What I tell you three times is true.'

Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"

To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local
computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
		   Phones?"

Song Title of the Week:
	"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
in me."

It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.

Universe, n.:
	The problem.

Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.

Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
Please...

			CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
     curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
     pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes

Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
		-- W. C. Fields

Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Omnibiblious, adj.:
	Indifferent to type of drink.  "Oh, you can get me anything.
I'm omnibiblious."

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.

"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."

After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?

The Advertising Agency Song:
 
	When your client's hopping mad,
	Put his picture in the ad.
	If he still should prove refractory,
	Add a picture of his factory.

Boss, n.:
	According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
		-- Adlai Stevenson

USER, n.:
	The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
		-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

If you can read this, you're too close.

Optimization hinders evolution.

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.

The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller

A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
him.
		-- Ed Howe

Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"

I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.

Equal bytes for women.

System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
	Its monitor loses so totally!
	It runs all its programs in RPG!
	It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!

"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."

Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Vail's Second Axiom:
	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.

"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
		-- Art Leo

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
		-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"

She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle ...

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.

Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!

HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill.  Agreed to.
		-- Albuquerque Journal

Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
		-- Oscar Wilde

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
		-- Ransom K. Ferm

You might have mail

panic: kernel trap (ignored)

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
		-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.

Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?

Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
only serves to blunt the warning signs.

		Long live the revolution!
		Have a nice day.

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"

Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

		Don't Write On Walls!

		   (and underneath)

		You want I should type?

Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.

"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
		-- Gloria Steinem

Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal.

Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
		-- H. L. Mencken

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
to find a way to damage them.  They last forever, largely because
nobody ever eats them.  In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
	Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.

VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.

"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob."
		-- William F. Buckley

The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup."

The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
cursed.

Gordon's first law:
	If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
well.

"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
		-- Steven Wright

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together ...
		-- Carl Zwanzig

The faster we go, the rounder we get.
		-- The Grateful Dead

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
	You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.

Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
		-- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"

"I bet the human brain is a kludge."
		-- Marvin Minsky

	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach

To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.

	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."

Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
		-- Jawaharlal Nehru

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

Power, n:
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
blessed.
		-- Randy Davis

"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
people waiting to abuse me."
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"

	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
		-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.

"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."

Spelling is a lossed art.

	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet.  The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book.  Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane

Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
		-- Leonard Brandwein

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.

Real Time, adj.:
	Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
and then.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
		-- Steven Wright

Flon's Law:
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
for play?

Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
		-- Governor Jerry Brown

Weinberg's Principle:
	An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
	Civilization?
Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.

You do not have mail.

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
		-- F. Allen

"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
would.  The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
that much."
		-- Augustine

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
started debating who should be allowed to stay.

The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.

Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
	Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
		-- Oscar Wilde

"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"

Bubble Memory, n.:
	A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence.  See also "vacuum tube".

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
receipt.

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare

"I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat."
		-- Will Rogers

Hall's Laws of Politics:
	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
	    fixed.
	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
	    their own districts).

	A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
doing nothing.  Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner.  Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
power-down sequence.
	An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
cool.

Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your
chairs.

Hlade's Law:
	If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Howe's Law:
	Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
		-- Tom Robbins

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb

Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?

Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
		-- John Keats

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.
		-- Victor Hugo

Rules for Academic Deans:
	(1)  HIDE!!!!
	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
		-- Father Damian C. Fandal

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
in his bowl full of jelly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

Forgetfulness, n.:
	A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience.

One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.

"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"

		'Twas the Night before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
	Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...

Katz' Law:
	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
obviously impossible.
				-- Richard Davisson

One-Shot Case Study, n.:
	The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
	drivers.

In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

	YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
		      PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. MARC had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!

There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
telephone business?

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."

RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
	(4)  Enjoy your food.
	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
	     can always eat it later.
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
	(11) Avoid blue food.
		-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"

President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
		-- The Washington Post

"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
blessed.
		-- Randy Davis

The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

	"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
	"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman

X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
will always do it.
		-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
damned things is ample.
		-- Rebecca West

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
		-- Abbie Hoffman

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977

"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Disc space -- the final frontier!

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
using an undocumented external procedure.